Chapter Eighty-One: Where to Go from Here (Within the Weight of Repetition)

“Come with me somewhere.” After lingering in the teahouse for a long while, Yinyao finally spoke softly.

“All right.” Chu Su readily agreed without asking where they were going.

The two of them rose, leaving the payment for their tea. Yinyao strode ahead briskly, Chu Su following close behind. As the path before her grew ever more familiar, a torrent of emotions welled up within Yinyao.

This was the road to Cold Spirit Valley, and also the way to Yinyao’s home.

That place held so many memories for both of them. Yet now, only Yinyao remembered those days—Chu Su remembered nothing at all.

There was a faint trace of irony to it all.

Walking along the path that led deep into the woods, Chu Su felt a sense of strangeness—he didn’t truly know this place, and yet it all felt oddly familiar. Lost in thought for a moment, he looked up to find Yinyao gone from sight. He hesitated, unsure which way to turn. He didn’t know the area at all, and blamed himself for getting so caught up in his thoughts that he’d lost her trail.

Alas.

So absorbed was Yinyao in her own world, she didn’t notice that Chu Su had fallen behind, leaving him forgotten in her wake.

She gazed at the familiar stream and the little bamboo cottage she knew so well. Her eyes stung with tears, and she rubbed them, unwilling for Chu Su to see her reddened eyes.

Turning, she called, “Chu Su, look—wait, where is he?!”

Only then did Yinyao realize Chu Su was nowhere to be seen. Had she truly lost him? It couldn’t be—his lightness skill was exceptional! She’d even deliberately slowed her pace.

What Yinyao didn’t know was that, once she immersed herself completely in her thoughts, her speed had not slowed but instead increased, until she was moving at a pace beyond what Chu Su could follow. No wonder he’d lost track of her entirely.

Still, she reasoned, Chu Su should be able to find his way here. Even if he didn’t know the place, he could at least follow her presence.

With this thought, Yinyao began to wander around the bamboo cottage, no longer concerned whether Chu Su would arrive.

Out of her sight, Chu Su was surveying his surroundings. Once he’d confirmed there was no hidden danger, he began to puzzle out the route. It seemed he’d forgotten he could simply track Yinyao’s aura to find her.

He wandered, choosing his path on instinct at every fork, not knowing how he made those decisions. Whenever he faced a crossroads, he’d subconsciously select a direction and continue on.

Another half hour passed, and Yinyao began to grow anxious at Chu Su’s continued absence. Could he really be lost? Surely not—how could he lose his way when she’d left a trail of spiritual presence?

Could it be—had he forgotten he could sense her aura?

The possibility threw Yinyao into confusion. If that was the case, he was truly unreliable!

Worried for Chu Su, Yinyao released her spiritual awareness, searching for his aura. But just then, a voice interrupted her efforts.

“Yinyao!” Chu Su called, overjoyed to see her. He had truly feared he’d never find the place. Seeing her, he guessed she’d been using her spiritual senses, and suddenly felt foolish—how could he have forgotten something so basic? If only he’d realized sooner, he would have found her in no time.

Yet he had wasted so much time, forgetting even the most fundamental skills in his anxiety. He never stopped to wonder why he’d been so anxious that he’d lost hold of himself.

Seeing him at last, Yinyao let out a breath of relief. “What happened to you? Why are you just getting here now? Don’t tell me you got lost! I was leading the way!”

“I…well, I lost track of you,” Chu Su admitted, embarrassed. For someone of his abilities, losing his way was disgraceful.

Yinyao hadn’t expected that he’d truly lost her. Resigned, she asked, “Let’s set that aside—but why did it take you so long to get here? Didn’t you use your spiritual senses to find me?”

Her words made Chu Su feel all the more ashamed—he really had forgotten. What a cursed day! He felt he’d let Yinyao down, thoroughly out of sorts.

“I’m sorry, I genuinely forgot,” he murmured.

Yinyao could only shake her head at his absentmindedness, at a loss for words. But then she thought of something and asked, “Then how did you find this place?”

“That—I’m not sure. I just followed my instincts,” Chu Su replied, a little excited.

“What?” Yinyao was baffled. What did he mean, instincts? Unless…unless… She dared not follow that thought.

To make herself clear, Chu Su explained, “After you disappeared, I got anxious and looked around. When I saw a path, I’d instinctively choose one. It was strange. I even tried deliberately choosing against my impulse once, but at the next fork, I’d still quickly pick a direction and move on. I think if I hadn’t tried to second-guess myself, I’d have arrived sooner.”

Yinyao nodded. Chu Su was remarkable indeed—deliberately taking the wrong path and wasting time for curiosity’s sake. But for now, he wouldn’t understand why he knew the way so well.

Seeing that Yinyao seemed to understand, Chu Su couldn’t help but ask, “Yinyao, do you think I might have come here in a dream? Otherwise, how would I know the way?”

Hearing his half-jesting words, Yinyao forced a smile. “That’s entirely possible.”

Her reply was evasive. Chu Su hadn’t come here in dreams, but in reality, many times—each visit leaving a deep impression. Only now did he not remember.

“All right, let’s not dwell on it. We’re here for a reason,” Yinyao said decisively, determined not to let Chu Su pursue the topic further.

As she clearly didn’t want to continue, Chu Su let the matter drop.

“So, Yinyao, why are we here?”

“To fetch the Mourning Lotus.”

“Here?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

With that, she led Chu Su up to the cliffs above the waterfall. Yinyao gazed down at the bottomless abyss below, as if searching for something—or waiting for someone.

Chu Su looked down with her, but suddenly, a stabbing pain erupted in his head. Images flashed rapidly through his mind—he seemed to see two women falling from the cliff…

He strained to see their faces, but the pain in his head exploded, almost splitting his skull. “Ah!”

Yinyao, startled by his anguished cry, turned to see Chu Su clutching his head, his body trembling violently. His voice, raw and piercing, echoed through Cold Spirit Valley, startling flocks of birds into flight, their wings beating frantically against the sky.

“Chu Su, what’s wrong? Speak to me!” Yinyao steadied his swaying form, her voice trembling with fear.

“I saw—I saw two women fall from the cliff. They wore white, but their robes were stained with blood. Ah!” Chu Su spoke as if in a trance, and as he spoke, the pain in his head intensified. He clutched his head and sank to the ground.

Shaking his head, Chu Su’s eyes grew vacant as he looked at Yinyao, murmuring, “I heard a woman’s anguished scream—I heard someone crying…”

Yinyao’s hand, which had been patting his back, froze.

Had he remembered? Wasn’t that the moment when she and Yin Su fought to the death, when she’d chosen to drag Yin Su down with her rather than let her escape? That was Yin Su’s cry of despair—but whose sobs were those? Aishuo’s? Mu Ye’s? Gu Xinyu’s? Or perhaps the man before her?

Yinyao slowly crouched down and gently embraced Chu Su from behind, whispering, “Yu, let’s not think about it anymore. Let’s let go of the past—the things that have hurt you. Let it all go; what’s past is past.”

Gradually, Chu Su quieted, no longer moving or muttering.

Yinyao gently turned him to face her, and saw that he had fallen into a deep, childlike sleep. His cheeks were streaked with tears, his brows tightly furrowed. Was he still trapped in a nightmare?

She turned to glance at the chasm, her brow furrowed, but in the end decided to settle Chu Su first. Lifting his tall, heavy frame, she was grateful for her martial training—how else could a delicate woman carry such a man?

Back in that same room, Yinyao laid Chu Su on the bed she once slept in, tucking him in carefully. Noticing the cold sweat on his brow, she fetched a towel, dampened it, wrung it out, and gently wiped away the perspiration.

“Yao’er, don’t go.” Just as she was about to withdraw her hand, Chu Su suddenly spoke, grasping her hand tightly and shaking his head—like a child afraid of losing something precious.

Why did seeing him like this make Yinyao’s heart ache so?

With her free hand, she took up the towel. Then, gently turning her hand in his, she held his in return. “I’m not going anywhere. I won’t leave.”

Like a child content with sweet treats, Chu Su smiled, gentle and serene.

Yu, what am I to do with you? How am I to face you? And Lisu, too! Are your memories coming back? Can we ever return to what we were? Am I selfish to wish for that? There’s still Lisu waiting for me, isn’t there? Why are your memories returning now? Do you know how much courage it took for me to decide to forget our past? Is everything about to unravel?

Lisu, Yu’s memories are returning—what will you do? I still long for my past with Yu. Am I so unkind? Too selfish, perhaps. Lisu, I genuinely don’t know what to do…

Where should I go from here?